*This post may contain affiliate links, please see my disclosure
We’ve got two days left. Two days until all of your plans are completely ruined. Two days until everything you care about is gone. Two days left until the end of the world. So, what are you going to do about it?
Create An End Of The World Budget, Of Course!
You know me, with all this talk about everything being completely obliterated, all I can think about is “how would I budget for this?” Because, as always, even if everything is ending, having a plan is much better than having no plan. So I put together a plan for what you should do with your money to prepare for the end of the world.
Convert Everything To Cash!
You Roth IRA, your work 401k, your house, cars, boat, Justin Bieber bobble-head doll collection, any asset that you have must be converted to cash immediately! Yes, I know this seems counter-intuitive to all you “survivalist” types out there, but it’s the best option. Why? Because the end of the world means everything is done. All at once. So your guns and supplies don’t really matter, because you won’t make it. Sorry to burst your Kevlar bubble.
You need something that has buying power right now, and this means you need tons of CASH! “But Jake, what the heck am I going to buy?” Good question. Answer = EVERYTHING! Why not? You’ve got two days to go out and buy everything you ever wanted to buy, but didn’t because you were wisely planning for the future. Since none of that matters now, you should go out and purchase a Ferrari F620 GT immediately! Don’t have that kind of cash? No worries. You can still get a Yugo or something. You should also convert at least $1,000 to $1 bills and throw it all up in the air in the mall food court. Trust me.
Go Places And See Stuff!
Never seen the Grand Canyon? Better commandeer a private jet on down there and check it out for 5 minutes. Heck, just rent the jet for the day and hit 4 or 5 places that you’ve always wanted to see. Statue of Liberty, Stonehenge, Eiffel Tower, the world’s largest Gummy Worm! Make sure to just enjoy the view, because at this point, pictures are worthless.
Sure, there’s going to be a $200,000 fuel surcharge, but who cares. If the pilot won’t accept your credit cards and you are a little short on cash, I’m sure he won’t mind if you write up some I.O.U.’s (think, “Dumb and Dumber” style!). I mean, technically, you’re going to be insolvent (dissolvent?) in a few days anyway, so who cares!
“Borrow” As Much Money As Possible!
All the rage these days is to “get out of debt” and “pay off your loans” and “build your net worth.” I say it’s all HOGWASH! You’ve got two days left and there will be no phones left for collectors to call you about your defaulted credit cards. Might as well sign up for as many credit cards as possible, take out thousands in payday loans and make sure you max it ALL out within the next 24 hours! You don’t want to leave any avenue untapped, just make sure you extend yourself financially as far as possible, because if no one else is going to enjoy this money, you might as well.
And don’t forget to borrow from rich friends, family, co-workers, your boss’s, people you just met, EVERYONE! Once you’ve tapped all the credit you possibly can, other people you know (or don’t) are the most readily reliable source of income, and since you need it now, just start asking. A simple mass-email to everyone you have had contact with over the last 20 years should do. Just make sure you put EVERYONE on the BCC line so they see it as an individual request 🙂
And reach out to rich celebrities and the like using their Twitter handle. Give them your PayPal address and just ask them to wire you the money immediately. Even if you hit 1,000 celebrities and only four bite, that could be a huge load of cash in your account by tonight!
How Are You Going To Spend The Last Two Days On Earth?
How are you going to spend your time and money in the last 48 hours? Do you have plans to sell everything and go crazy?! Are you going to party like it’s 1999? Or maybe you’re just too conservative and will just re-balance your portfolio, pre-pay your bills and make a nice batch of iced tea. Whatever the case, just make sure you do one thing; listen to Journey. Mostly because they are one of the greatest bands of all time.
So, from all of us (just me, I guess) here at iHeartBudgets, it’s been nice knowing you. If you can’t think of what to do with your cash, just shoot me an email and I’ll give you my paypal address 😉
Where’s the budget, you ask? Don’t worry, I’ll make it for you in 72 hours…
Disclaimer: If you don’t get sarcasm, then don’t read this post. Oh wait….
41 thoughts on “Your End Of The World Budget”
Lol!!! The best post yet! I was about to say you may want a disclaimer but then I saw it ;p haha well I can’t wait to see you on the 22nd! 😀
And agreed… Journey is the greatest band! Must run in the family ;p
Yup, you know what I’m talkin’ ’bout!
Classic post. I like how you placed the sarcasm disclaimer at the end of the post. These are the things I would do if the world was ending, but unfortunately, I don’t see it coming. I made sure to schedule some posts out after the 21st just to make sure.
Haha, hopefully those scheduled post don’t explode into a milion pieces before they’re up!
Lol! I love it. I don’t know what’s better, the sarcasm disclaimer or the Journey references.
Journey > everything.
What great fun! I will just go outside and stare at all the wonderful natural things we have around us.
Yup, and if you want to get there faster, a leer jet should do the trick 😉
Sarcasm aside (and I always love sarcasm–it is my primary language after all) there is something to be taken away from all of this. There will come a day when something like this will happen and all the “frugal/cheap/save every penny for later” people will have what to show for it: a bunch of useless money and no memories or experiences? Learn to live in the moment while you can; it is possible after all to enjoy today while saving for the future.
After all, behind every bit of sarcasm is a hint of truth and honesty!
And to top it off, I’ve never really liked Steve Perry (he says while waiting to be banished from ever commenting here again)
Must. Resist. Urge. To. Delete. End. Of. Comment!!!!!
But yes, I also agree. Death happens, and you can’t take anything with you 🙂
I think everyone should just cash in and donate it to me. I’ll still be here…and MUCH richer! whoo hoo!
Lol, just send us your address 😉
“throw it all up in the mall at the food court”…that made me laugh.lol.
I plan on still being alive after the 21st, personally. LOL In fact, I am betting on it as I have many things paid for and planned for 2013.
If not, you’ll rest easy knowing that the plans you WOULD have done, were awesome 😉
This post is Awesome! I think there’s a Parks and Rec episode where they get a thousand dollars in singles just to have it. That would be so great to just throw it in the air like you just don’t care …
To be honest, I have thrown a pile of cash in the air. No lie. And it was 20’s….
Haha, great post! I watched a “documentary” on the Mayan apocalypse and let me tell you, I’m convinced. Apparently we’re going to be cut off from the center of the galaxy for a moment, and who knows what could happen! According to “scientists,” our very life source comes from the center of the galaxy, and if we’re disconnected, even for just a moment, it could be catastrophic!
Here’s to hoping you’re right!!!
Ha, this was awesome Jake… for sure I’d run into the food court and just toss money up in the air. I like the idea of spending the last 2 days buying all the things I never would spend my money on. I wonder what I would buy hmmmm… Cheers and Happy Holidays! Mr.CBB
Buy a jet pack!!!!!!
This is such a funny post! I love it!
Glad you enjoyed. O wait, I’m posting this comment on Friday. Guess you might want to ignore my suggestions 😉
Ha… well I guess if the world is ending you shouldn’t enter my Quicken Giveaway… or buy christmas gifts! I’d probably just hang out at the beach 🙂
Beach time would definitely be on the list 🙂
Haha awesome post!
This makes me laugh. If it really were the end of the world and everyone knew with certainty that it was, I think it would be pretty tough to travel because everyone would be doing it! But, if it were, I would definitely not worry about paying off any debt or investing or saving for my retirement.
Yup, all plans pretty much go out the window at that point.
Haha! I hope nobody actually does blow all their money in anticipation of the world ending!
That would be pretty sad. I hope they don’t either (unless they’re sending it my way 😉 )
Ha! Great read, thank you for that.
Glad you enjoyed 🙂